To Evelyn,
Like swans parting on darkened waters: lingering truths and final thoughts.
I am writing this to speak the absolute truth without sugarcoating or pretending. First, I want you to know that I am genuinely proud that you finally learned how to let go. You held on for far longer than you ever should have, and witnessing you step away took real strength. But you have a sweet, tender heart that trusts people entirely too much. That kind of blind innocence is dangerous, and it will bring you immense pain in this life if you do not guard it. I honestly hope that whatever happened between us turned your heart a little colder, because this world is entirely too cruel for someone like you to remain so easily convinced by everything you are told.
Even on days of celebration like today, I remember how another year adds to your story. I hope this new chapter of your life brings you clarity, unshakable strength, and the self-worth to walk away from anything that does not honor your worth.
I hope you do not hate anyone in this life more than you hate me. In fact, I hope you direct all of your hatred toward me, because it is truly for the best of you. I hope you never forgive me, because I do not deserve your forgiveness, and I am completely at peace with that reality. Fuck me, I already know that is exactly what you will say when you read this. My own desires for happiness are completely different now.
Someone who can love you like I cannot.
I hope you find a better man,
Someone who can hold you in their hands."
I hope you find a genuine man who loves you whole-heartedly, treats you with the utmost kindness, and never makes you cry. Someone who makes you completely forget that I ever existed in your world.
As for me, my life is going great right now. Guess what? I have even gained four kilograms. That is how well and peaceful things are moving forward on my side. Yet, even with everything going well, I will admit that there are quiet evenings when I still miss having someone to whom I could tell all my stories: the unfiltered details, the thoughts, and the random moments that I used to share with you.
You possessed immense patience with me during the times we walked together, and I will always acknowledge that grace. But life has drawn its lines now. Surrender your heart to the good Lord, and He will wipe your slate completely clean. Protect yourself, stand firm, and live the life you deserve.
1. I am truly and deeply sorry for all the turmoil and emotional exhaustion I brought into your life.
2. I am so sorry that you had to settle for far less with me when your soul deserved someone extraordinary.
3. I am genuinely sorry for failing to give you the stability and warmth that you consistently gave to me.
4. I am sincerely sorry for testing your patience and taking your boundless grace for granted.
5. From the most honest place within me, I am truly sorry for every single moment I caused you grief.
To My Dearest One,
Embracing shortcomings, gratitude, and a heartfelt confession.
I admit I ruined the amazing relationship we had. I know what I did hurt you deeply, and I take full responsibility for it. You loved me in ways I did not deserve, and instead of protecting that love, I broke your heart. I am sorry for hurting you, baby.
I always wanted to become a better person, but somehow I was always the one who ended up hurting you. I never thought I would someday be writing this letter. There was a time I thought our love could stand the test of time and nothing would come between us.
But I am coming to terms with a lot of issues. I am coping with who I am, or who I thought I was, or what I am supposed to be. It is not an easy journey to have to look inside yourself and really embrace your mistakes and shortcomings and own up to them. It is hard and very draining mentally and physically.
I know this is random, but I had to say it at least. I want you to know that I am genuinely sorry, and sorry for the drunk calls that I disturbed you with during the time we had and broke your heart.
Happy birthday, though I guess by the time you get this letter it is probably past the day. Hope all your dreams come true. The choice I made by leaving was for mutual benefit, and it was needed at that point. I wish there was another way, but that was it, and I am really sorry.
I hope this new age comes with more wisdom to see what is needed, and whatever you are doing treats you kindly, and life too treats you the same.
I failed you so many times. Failed you as a friend, as a partner, as a safe place, and I am sorry for that, my love. I hope we all find happiness, and if you are ever in a mood to catch dinner sometimes, just call.
Yours sincerely, Kier.
My Dearest Pigeon,
Calculations, forgotten days, and the final words.
Who is worth this? The words I expect from you while reading this are clear: fuck what we did, fuck what we shared, fuck your feelings, fuck how I felt for you, fuck that I ever met you, and fuck you.
Even if I ruined everything, remember the days that were best for you. The days are not forgotten. Never forget the days I made you smile. I have already come to terms with the fact that I disappointed you, broke promises, and made you question your worth, yet you stayed hoping that the next day I would be a better person. You abandoned yourself to keep choosing me, yet I failed you over and over. You tried to understand my situation, my struggles, and my reasons. Maybe I was not the guy you needed, but everything I did had a meaning and was connected to something I needed to accomplish. Everything I did was for mutual benefit.
By the time you receive this, I guess you have already moved on, and that is what I truly wish for you. At least you are in Mwanza now. Enjoy life there, because life is worth living.
As for me on the other side, my life is not bad. I am still doing my thing and enjoying life. I cannot say it is entirely perfect. It is tough, but it is good, and it is worth my time.
Just so you know, sincerely, I was bored at times. It was boring as fuck hearing the repetitive words every time: "Oh, I don't trust her, I don't know what," and yet you kept going back. I cannot say you never learn your lessons, but I hope you learn from mine.
I am sorry for everything. That was the last sorry I will ever write. It feels like begging, and I hate begging. I do not know what I turned into, but I literally hate apologizing. Otherwise, I hope life treats you well. Life is treating me well on my side, and there is nothing wrong with it.
I am tired of typing. You probably will not even read this, but whatever: do you.
That was it.